"... and she had something to say"

Earlier this year I was blessed with the opportunity to consider going back into a more robust role on a church staff. It was an honor to be asked and to be honest it seemed like a dream come true. I have longed to be back in “full-time” ministry again. The last two-ish years I have pushed into healing, health, and wholeness all with the anticipation that I would be back at a church. I mean my degree is in church ministry and the last 20-years of my life I have been working in a church.

I remember going to Mike with excitement and anticipation, but as much as every part of being wanted, there was a little voice asking “are you sure?” One of the things I can be pretty proud of is how I can silence that voice. “Obviously that voice is not from God. God would definitely want me back in a church doing all the things.” But the voice would still sneak-up and when I would pray it would ask the same little quiet question.

As January ended and I continued to pray about it the little voice no longer said anything but my body began to respond. I don’t know how else to describe it, and it might sound strange, but each time I would get this surge from my toes and it would go up my body. When it passed by my heart, my heart would skip a beat. When it would get to my nose, my breath would catch. And then when it got to the top of my head it would immediately come back down and lay on my shoulders and I would feel exhausted. This literally began to happen every time I would pray about the opportunity and/or other ministry opportunities. It was happening so much that I couldn’t deny that my body was having a physical response and that I needed to pay attention.

Listening to my body is a restored practice within me. Growing up I was an athlete. We were taught to work hard, push harder: No Pain, No Gain (I literally had a shirt that said this). It doesn't matter if your body hurts, you push through it. It didn’t matter if your body was telling you to stop, you made sure to silence that voice so that you could get stronger. Denying your body was a regular message as an athlete. Pushing through showed how strong, capable, resilient and unstoppable you truly are.

Friends, I lived in this way for YEARS… to be honest from age 10-38. The only way I would stop was if I was sick. Sickness became my breaks, my sabbaticals, my respite. So the fact that my body was responding, it always has been, I was just really good at ignoring and denying it, and I could recognize it, now I needed to pay attention. I shared my body's response with Mike and as we continued to pray and discern we realized that although I have longed for this, God was trying to tell me “not yet”, through my body. And so I turned down the opportunity in grief and with hope.

The grieving response I think it obvious having to say “No.” A “no '' can trigger grief, even if it's clear, even if it's right, even if it is the BEST answer. The hope, however, gave great joy and excitement. I HEARD MY BODY and I LISTENED! After I turned down the opportunity, the hope continued to grow within me.

Recently we helped some friends prepare/set-up for their son's graduation party. While there I was talking to another Female Pastor. We were sharing about what the LORD was doing in our lives and how much we have loved our times working at churches, no matter how hard it had been being a female in ministry. She asked about my transition out of working at a church. I shared about my discernment process and I began to say: “And my body was having a physical response…” The other Pastor looked at me and said: “And she had something to say.” I melted at that moment. I know I am a female, I know my body was created as a female… an Ezar. However, I never thought about the “personhood” of my body. “She had something to say”… gave a voice, validity, meaning, and purpose. “She had something to say”… She has been speaking and for so long I ignored her. “She has something to say”"… has become a restorative voice and piece to my healing journey. “She has something to say”… she is a voice worth listening to.

How is your body responding to life these days? What is your body saying? Are you listening?

May God have the permission to speak within our entire being, and may we have the courage to listen, the wisdom to discern, and to joy found within obedience.