Rest: Addicted to Busyness

Rest- to cease in order to relax and be refreshed.

Last year felt like a long exhale. It took me a long time to unwind and slow down. It took a long time for my body, mind, spirit, and soul to trust rest. For part of the year, I was surprised by my extreme tiredness. I was napping daily for about six-months. One of our daughters even listed napping as one of my favorite things to do in a Mother’s Day gift. I was tired. I was weary. I knew the invitation for the season was to heal, to care for self, and learn to be. As an achiever, this invitation was probably some of the hardest work I have ever done. I could usually quantify all that I was doing and I could feel proud about my list of gifts, talents and activities. But to be… how would I show that?

One of my biggest learnings last year was that I was an addicted to busyness. I was addicted to busyness in a way that I never knew a person could be. I prided myself in my busyness. My busyness brought value, purpose, and vision for my life. I will say that at different points I felt pangs of pain when people would say… “Ali, when you have time, could we get together?” Or “Ali, I know your busy, but I was wondering…” Or the realization that I could no longer do the things I loved because I was on the go soo much. And the realization that I could no longer spend time with the people I loved because I had too much on my plate. But I was good at burying those thoughts with more busyness.

The definition of addiction is:

physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance, and unable to stop taking it without incurring adverse effects.

Or 

enthusiastically devoted to a particular thing or activity.

For the longest time I would have said I was not addicted to busyness. I was just enthusiastically devoted to ministry and I wanted to make  sure people knew the love of Christ. I would have made sure to distinguish that I was not dependent on ministry and I lived a healthy balance of life in ministry and life outside of it. And if I wasn’t always living in the balance at least my heart was in the right place. And if my heart wasn’t in the right place well at least I knew the concept of Sabbath. Eventually it would all equal out. Maybe not this season, but it will be there for the next season. 

However, nine-months into my year of exhale my body began to crave busyness again. August ‘22 was my first year without an all encompassing ministry launch season since college. For 15-years my rhythm was all things ramped up in August. I needed to make sure all communication was out to parents and leaders. All our curriculum was planned out and ready to start. The year's extras were booked or on the schedule to be booked and that summer trips were beginning to be looked at. My days were long, my meetings were often, and my mind made me think this was all part of the job. 

In August ‘22, I realized that I had stepped over from job to addict at some point. As my body literally wanted another “hit” of busyness like it used to be. I was frustrated I wasn’t doing the same things I was the year before. I longed to be back to the “good old days” so that I could experience the same “high”. I searched for ways to make myself busy. I looked for any and every way to get back to my “normal.” To function like I used to. All I needed was one “hit” and then I would be ok. I have never been addicted to drugs, but I quickly realized that what I was thinking and experiencing had to have been like what someone who experiences substance abuse wrestles with.

The only way I can/could describe the feeling inside of me was a “hit” of busyness. The most interesting thing about August '22 was that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t be busy. I was coming short each and every time. Nothing I wanted to do was working out and nothing was satisfying my craving. However, in my heart I kept feeling an invitation from the LORD to ask questions and become aware. Unprompted, our daughters began to share years past in this season. I was so detached I didn’t remember any of it. A friend of mine asked me how the start of the ‘22 school year compared to other school years with the girls. I had no answer because all I could remember was ministry and nothing at home. I asked Mike about it later and he said: “Yeah, we just knew you had a lot to do. So I made sure to take care of the home front.” 

I know we live in a time where the whirling of the world beacons us with an anthem of more, more, more and then it lulls us with a lullaby of "this is normal”; but this isn’t what we were created for. It isn’t what is asked of us. It isn’t our purpose. And busyness isn’t/shouldn’t be our god, however, I think too often the enemy tells us that these things are our identity, our place to find  belonging, and our a place to find greater  purpose. Before we know it these lies become our masters and we  begin to bow down before an idol of busyness instead of Christ our King. 

If our true purpose is to love God and love people, at some point, busyness will eliminate one or both of these purposes. So may we be a people that seek to understand God’s true invitation for our lives and engage in the invitation and this one life accordingly.