Rest: Fear

“I am sick. God must think I need to rest.” This used to be a very common phrase I would say. I knew I needed rest. I knew I was created to rest but the demands, not necessarily bad ones, of family, relationships, and work, often left me running 100-miles an hour.

All of this started when I was a kid. I was an athlete; my sport was soccer. I started playing soccer in 1st-grade. By the time I was in 6th-grade I was on two soccer teams. By 7th-grade I was on two soccer teams and had a trainer. I also had orchestra, church, family activities, basketball, and volleyball. All of these “extras” were fun and my choice. I loved being busy and having things to do. Boredom was not an option for me; there was too much for me to do and achieve for me to be bored. This thought process has been with me most of my life.

Recently, I have been processing the meaning and experience of rest. Why am I so repulsed by rest? Why do I see rest as weakness? Why does American Culture celebrate over-working and a lack of boundaries? Why do Christian Organizations say there is a value for rest but promote the same work habits as the world?

What I have realized in my processing is that if Sabbath is created as a day of rest for our weekly rhythms, then fear has robbed us of the rest we have been gifted. Often, I have not wanted to rest out of fear of missing out. I have not wanted to rest out of fear of not getting the job done. I have not wanted to rest out of fear of being quiet. I have not wanted to rest out of fear of lack of time. I have not wanted to rest out of fear of not being seen as a hard worker, or not being dedicated, or not taking care of my family well, or ____ (fill in the blank). Fear has given me an excuse to live without boundaries. Fear has given me the perceived right to not listen to my body, soul, mind, and spirit. Fear has given me perceived permission to be selfish.

I just recently finished a book by Ruth Hayley Barton: An Invitation to Silence and Solitude. The book was incredible, timely, and felt personal. While reading and processing with the LORD I began to realize that I struggle with an addiction to Busyness. Much like any other addiction I lived for my next “hit.” I could not wait to fill my calendar and then do all the things. Other people would give me praises and would talk to me in awe of how much capacity I had. I felt the same way as others… WOW, LOOK AT ALL I CAN DO! However, my soul was weary. My soul was holding up flares as warning signs but I was convinced my soul was over-reacting. I WAS FINE; until one day when I was sick (Remember, “I must need to rest, I am sick”) and napping from my tiredness… I had a dream. I was in a crowd of people and a young couple came up to me. The male from the couple asked if I could do something for them. Without even turning I said, “I can’t, I have limited capacity.” I then turned around and saw that the male turned into Jesus and Jesus said “Finally, let’s start there.” I immediately woke up and knew something was about to change because my soul cried out in a way, I had never heard before. And it was then that I started processing my thoughts around rest, boundaries, and capacity.

I wonder how many of us have extinguished our warning flares. I wonder how many of us have made excuses for out-of-control schedules. I wonder how many of us push ourselves to live limitless instead of limited. I wonder how many of us judge those that do live within boundaries. I ask these questions because these were/are all things I am learning I did, do, and hopefully will not continue. I am not an expert in rest. If I am honest, I am still in a detox from busyness. But there is one thing I know as I am pressing in… busyness will not satisfy the true longings of my heart. Busyness will only make me not know them.

May we be people that learn to breathe in a way that slows us down to listen, pay attention, and wonder, so that we can begin to learn about the rest our mind, body, souls, and spirits need.